Once the crying was over 10 things were clear
I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while but the wording never seemed to come out right. I also hadn’t taken all of the necessary steps to truly be in a good place with everything, so everytime I started writing this post I’d get in my feelings and couldn’t make it through. Long story short I fell HARD in my teens and plenty years later I’ve still been having a hard time getting up. It has been some of the most amazing parts of my life, but also some absolute bullshit.
It took a lot for me to realize that I deserved way better than what I was getting and though it hurt, separating myself was freeing. After closing the final door on what I thought would be forever, here is what I learned.
Taking control is the first step to freedom
For a while I thought being submissive was what men wanted. We are trained to walk light and speak when spoken to so naturally, in relationships, I trod delicately around anything that might cause a ripple. Once I saw how unhappy it was leaving me though, I had to change. This is my life, and I only get one.
You can’t choose all of the things that happen to you, but you damn sure can choose how you react to them. I had to stop just letting life go on around me. It wasn’t easy, but for me, it was important to make sure that my priorities and happiness were living in the same places.
The toughest conversations are the ones that need to be had
I am fairly non-confrontational and absolutely hate starting conversations that I know can potentially end badly for me. This coupled with my anxiety is (and might always be) my own personal hell. Just the thought of having a conversation about titles and setting boundaries makes me hot and works up a plum-sized lump in my throat. Knowing that the worst could come is terrifying, but having a definite answer is always worth it. It took quite a bit of self-coaching & trash talk, but finally, I just decided to rip the band-aid off. It was shitty for sure, but after it was done I was so proud of myself. I was clear, I was heard, I was free.
Actions don’t always speak louder than words
Being with someone (even on & off) for a long time you become comfortable with people in a way you can’t believe you’ll ever be with anyone else. Even with long absences in between, when you see an ex again it can be too easy to fall back into old habits. It will start with a flirtatious joke, then a “babe”, next thing you know you’re holding hands, and just like that you’re back in it.
These are the moments when you start to tell yourself “I know he said he didn’t want anything, but he couldn’t mean it if he’s acting like this.” I’m here to tell you he did mean it when he said it AND still does in this very moment. You are just comfortable for him.
These moments are the worst because when they’re over you’re left trying to figure out what it is about YOU that he can’t seem to see forever in. This is SO damaging to your ego and you don’t deserve it. Remember what he said & that he knew it crushed you when he said it. Nothing can change that except another one of those tough conversations.
Sex will have you stuck
If you don’t mind and if you have a little time I’ma take yal to church real quick. If any of this message touches your heart feel free to testify & catch whatever ghost sweeps you up. So…
Bedrinthinans 12:15 says “if the ship is a perfect size & the ocean’s motion is just right- set sail Queen & get yours!”
While I do fully support this passage & would NEVER suggest swapping filet mignon for bologna, I do want to point out that not all meat is good for you. You may wake up the next morning with full blown Snow White Syndrom. Ya know, cooking breakfast, cleaning, & singing with all the forest animals following you around but sis, be careful. That thang will have you walking around with your nose wide open ignoring all the signs that your Prince Naveen is a fake.
Having a past doesn’t mean you will have a future
I swear at 17 I knew. I was 100% sold that this was it for me. I was ready to pick out a wedding dress and live happily ever after. It came again at 19, 23, and finally, at 27, I was like “look bitch, what are we doing?”
It seems that we are conditioned to believe love is this long drawn out struggle & no matter how bad things get or how hard they are to keep together being able to say you have years invested is worth all of the nonsense. Having history is wonderful & many of those memories you will cherish for a lifetime, but that isn’t a reason to continually try to force things.
If how long you’ve been together is one of the top 3 reasons you’re still around, it’s probably time to cut ties and move on. Time honestly doesn’t mean much if the majority of it hasn’t been happy and beneficial.
“The Worst”- Jhene Aiko is some real shit
Rewatching this video post being done was WAY different. I had seen it before and thought it was good, but this time I was laying in bed with the covers over my head watching on repeat like “biiiiitttttcccchhhhhh, they make us like this.”
LOL! I know that sounds psycho but I’m just being honest. The lyrics on their own paint a good picture, but that video-MAN. When you’ve been through it & really just can’t even believe that this person has put you through it like that you’ll start to imagine really snapping and doing something crazy.
I can’t say I’ve ever thought about killing him, but wanting to make him feel like I felt crossed my mind PLENTY of times. Watch the video, but don’t give in.
Happiness is a choice
Your happiness should be non-negotiable and it shouldn’t live within anyone else. If you’re not happy communicate the reasons why and if things don’t change you’ll have a real choice to make. Love doesn’t have to hurt. Love doesn’t have to be hard.
People treat you how you allow them to
If you allow yourself to be walked over, undermined, and mistreated even someone who swears they love you will do these things without batting an eye. I don’t think it’s always intentional, however, I do think it always needs to be checked because it will get out of hand.
It’s hard to change things once they’ve gone on for a long time so when you start noticing that you’re being treated a way that you don’t like nip it in the bud IMMEDIATELY. It sucks to think that someone so close to you wouldn’t see that they’re treating you poorly, but it happens. Be upset about it, for sure, but also be honest with yourself about how many times you’ve let it slide.
Settling is whack AF
I can’t say this enough. When it comes to life, love, and really everything- settling is WHACK!!! A lot of people think that because they have history or children with a person they’re stuck with them for life. GIRL, BYE!!! Having kids makes things a little different because yal will still have to be connected on some level, but as far as being in a relationship, nah. Settling is for chumps. Fight for butterflies & cute things that make you smile all day, not good enough. You deserve the best.
You don’t have to hate your ex
So, I wanted to make sure that I added this piece in so that this wasn’t a complete “fuck that nigga” post LOL! If your friends are anything like mine they’ll be on a total bashing spree (as they should), and if you’re anything like me you won’t be that into it. I don’t think every break has to be a bad one. Being angry and holding grudges takes up so much energy and it’s not productive at all for anyone. Along with that I just really don’t have any hard feelings. Sure time was wasted. Sure feelings were hurt. But hating him is still holding on. If you’re mad, be mad. I won’t take that from you, but if you’re not that’s fine too.